Holding on…

This particular one comes with an 18 rating. Not much in here really, but I just think I should warn you that this is just a story that involves certain adult stuff.

I exhaled and saw the smoke surround me. I sniffed the sweet smell back in again. It was all in slow motion. I looked at how the smoke surrounded me and thought of Chaos Theory. I snickered to myself. I did not get highs. That is why I never really did drugs. To me being high was a mental state. In fact I think people just used to being high as an excuse. Other’s just thought my brain was just too darn fucked up to get any higher. It was all pretty butterflies and lady birds surrounding a mesh of barbed wire and black roses inside there. Weird. I never liked roses. I preferred other flowers. Unless they were pure red. Red.

The music surrounded me. Beats. It passed through me. My heart thumped against it. With it. Against it. I felt it. It felt me. I took another puff and gazed around me. There were people. There were lights. Dim. Bright. They danced. They talked. They sang with the music. All of them. High. Drunk. Calling out for help. They all look to each other. Into each others weaknesses. They take strength in each others weaknesses. Messed up families, financial problems, heart breaks, depression, stress, pain, ache, hurt. I had seen it all. I had seen it in them. I had seen it in their eyes. But more than that, I had seen it all in my life. They all danced around each other. Momentarily distracting themselves. Under the illusion that the world will still be the same when they wake up, surrounded by lights, surrounded by the beats, surrounded by the butterflies, the roses, the ladybirds, but without the thorns. Oh how they were wrong.

I looked at her. There she was. In my past she was the future. In my present, she was the past. With him. I looked at her. I looked at him. Oh how I wanted to steal her from him. No. I just wanted to kill him. I wanted to beat him to death. I wanted to smash a bottle and just drive it straight through his heart. I wanted to choke him to death. I wanted him to bleed from his eyes, to beg me for mercy. Mercy, I had none. I wanted to see him bleed. His bones shattered, at my touch. Oh how I wanted to hurt him. And yet, it was not his fault. He had nothing to do in all this. I was merely angry at her. I was merely angry at myself. She was not even that into him. I could see it. I could see it all.

I took another puff and settled into a comfy layback position. My mind still racing. I tried to relax. They had tried to get me drunk. They had given me medicines. And now they were trying drugs. This was the last resort. It was not working. There was no magic dragon to chase, just an intense feeling of pain.

I looked at her again. We were friends. We talked. We laughed. But she was not who she used to be. She was somebody I was getting to know again. Inside me I had killed her off. She was not the person I was in love with. She was just somebody who seemed familiar, and I knew a lot about. Just somebody I had looked over the sea with in the morning sunshine, and gazed happily at the things to come. Just somebody I had shared snow and rain with. Just somebody, who had died, in a horrible accident. I do not remember how it happened. But she had died. She had died. I had gone off somewhere, far far away, and when I came back she just was not there any more.

Another puff. Another whirl of smoke around me. There was not much left to worry about. I knew I would not leave the party alone. The whirls of smoke had attracted a couple of the girls to me. They shared it with me, and they shared themselves with me. People do get high, I thought to myself. These two definitely were. I let myself go. Maybe the drugs were taking some effect. As they rubbed their bodies into me I took a fair share for myself, groping, consuming, eating, drinking, taking in all that was to offer. This was not like falling down a rabbit hole. I knew exactly what was happening, and where I was headed. I closed my eyes as they loosened my belt.

I had let myself go. But I still held onto you. And tonight, as I consume these whores, I shall shout out your name, into the darkness of the night.